Dust in the wind...

good afternoon.
After much deliberation, I am now leaning toward cancellation of my proposed tour of duty in China. After a long a bitter, misunderstanding with the parental units, I no longer feel secure about travelling half way across the globe to a distictly foreign country. There are many reasons for this new change of agenda, but most of it comes from the fact that I do not have the funds to go on my own terms, do not have a savings and limited support from my family.
With all of these things at issue and the fact that the letter of invitation has not arrived today and I need to deliver that piece of paper to the consulate, I am leaning toward cancellation of the entire affair.
I think I am going to plan to leave in a year, compile my savings, try to pay off as many bills as possible and go on my own terms. I no longer feel especially confident that everything that needs to happen in the process is going to happen and if it all did, I dont think I have enough in savings to make it happen.
I am not willing to give everything up to go somewhere that I am not going to have the little bit of support that I have here. If it isnt here, I can manage. If it isn't there, I am fucked.

This process will continue, I will keep attempting to go until something happens, but if all the ducks are lined up and it comes down to just my decision, I am now leaning toward staying here, doing whatever it takes to survive.

Sad.

However, I am leaving for San Fran this weekend, which is going to be a much needed bit of time off. Maybe my thoughts will clear and the sunshine prospect of getting out will shine again, but it seems that the battle is losing its shine.